Worshiping under the Trans* umbrella

(This is your one and only tmi and trigger warning; I talk a lot about human bodies and sexuality.)

According to wikipedia, people who are bigendered have “a tendency to move between feminine and masculine gender-typed behaviour.” For me, this manifests in two different sets of behavior under one consciousness. The difference is usually subtle; both me’s wear black, both like makeup, both like girls, both like their hair short. They both like working out, both like cats, both love the Fiancee with all their heart. They both care about the same things and are happy to live one life in harmony, but there are a few places where the line between Amy and Leon becomes clear. Leon likes men too, and he’ll sit at the computer staring at pictures of men he can never have. He likes his pants a little baggy and loose, and he doesn’t mind the breasts but he’d rather they were gone. He wishes there was a bit more between his legs, but likes the idea of a strap on cock that he can wear whenever he wishes. He’s never been “over there.”  Amy likes pushup bras and thongs, and is completely happy with the shape of her body. She likes anything that is dark purple, but dislikes the idea of sex with men. Amy has started to Travel again, but  it wasn’t her choice. The biggest difference, however, is that Ra loves Amy, but has no affection for Leon.

I’d always been one consciousness in this body, yet the moment I felt like strapping down my breasts and stuffing my boxers I was suddenly alone in a body that barely suited my needs. At those times I doubted me and my practice. At those times I needed someone who was on my side, someone like Ra who could be the one I relied on.

Thus the research started. One of the greatest things about the world we currently live in is the abundance of information available in whatever form we need it in. I diverted from the Kemetic deities, and delved into the Hellenic deities whom I so fondly researched in my first year at university. The first one who came to mind is not technically a Goddess, but a Titan; Rhea. In her and in her stories, Leon found a great deal of comfort. On the days where our body bleeds and I call myself Leon, she was there to soothe my fears as a woman, but also a man.

I think it’s important for someone who is outside the “norm” or part of a minority, to find a deity to turn to in times of need related to their situation. For me when I’m Leon, having Rhea there is the ultimate comfort. She becomes the center of my thoughts and actions, and has even pressured me into helping take care of a younger trans boy I know.

However, this doesn’t mean that anyone of a specific gender cannot worship a certain deity. Ra and I have a very complex and deep relationship with one another, one that I don’t have with any other deity, and he just couldn’t see me the same way when I feel like a guy. I’m still working on it, still being patient with him and letting him get to understand that nothing fundamental about me changes at these times. Until then I have Rhea to listen to and quell my fears, and I intend to continue to ask her to stay after Ra has changed his mind.


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